I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
