so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
