he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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