My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Is that strawberry winking at me??
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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