It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
