oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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