so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
