I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
