you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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