Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
