i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
