I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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