Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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