True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
