If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
