this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
