I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
