So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
