You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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