is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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