As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm too high and old for this...
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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