Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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