Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
