Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
