I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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