The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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