I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I wish there were birth control emojis
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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