Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
