we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
