Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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