either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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