i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
