I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
