k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
