dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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