I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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