The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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