I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
