The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
