i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
