I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
