i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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