3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
