your parents love me but you hate me
Swine flu. Run for my life!
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
