if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
