Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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