She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
