walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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