Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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