I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
